


Mrs. Barrow's Bookshop

by Pastel_Rose



Category: Original Work
Genre: Asexual Character, Bullying, F/F, Femslash, Fluff and Angst, Paranormal, Romance, Trans Female Character, Young Love, ghost - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-04
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2019-01-29 09:02:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12627564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pastel_Rose/pseuds/Pastel_Rose
Summary: Maybe all hope is not lost for Colette. Maybe the bookshop she starts working at will be able to help her, and maybe the vibrant small girl who lives in it will be able to help Colette come to terms with parts of herself she has been pushing away. And maybe, Colette will be able to help that small girl too.





	Mrs. Barrow's Bookshop

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thank you so much for reading this story! <3 It means a lot to me :)  
> This was a short story I wrote about 1 or 2 years ago I think. I thought it would be nice to share it. :)  
> If any phrases within this story come across as harmful, please let me know and I will make the appropriate changes. :) 
> 
> Trigger Warning:  
> \- Mild allusions to suicide  
> \- Self hatred  
> \- Homophobic remarks   
> -(Mild) Internalised homophobia/transphobia/acephobia  
> \- Depictions of bullying

  By that point, Colette was sure she had seen it all, unfortunately, she was wrong. As she walked in through the shop’s front door, she saw none other than Lilith hanging from the upstairs railing, her small yet lanky body flailing all around the place. Clearly oblivious to the world around her. In any normal situation Colette would have screamed and scurried around in confusion as to what to do, but it was Lilith, and in Colette’s opinion, it would probably be more frightening if the small girl was not doing something peculiar or unfathomable. She was made of irregularities and wonder.

“Lilith? What are you doing?” She asked.

“Oh! Colette! Hello!” Lilith exclaimed. “I didn’t see you come in. You know it really is the most wonderful story; I saw this butterfly, so I followed it up here, and then the morning sun started to come in, it just looked so pretty, I couldn’t help but just _float_ through it. You know?”

“Oh, um, yes I think,” Colette said. “At least it was nice for you. I’m glad.”

Lilith grinned that huge infectious grin of hers. “Thank you.”

She started to float down to the ground next to Colette. Her skin was somewhat translucent, yet held a soft wash that resembled almond milk being slowly swirled around in a mug. Her hair long and scruffy looking, constantly floating around her, occasionally falling over her somehow still green eyes. The bright glow of the sunlight was captured in her body, illuminating everything around her.

Colette made her way around the store, always keeping Lilith somewhat in her sight. She picked up fallen books, and moved around small bits of furniture so she had more room to dust the wooden floors. The room was filled to the brim with piles of books and bookshelves. Many of the bookshelves bent and curved around the arches of the shop, stuffed full of books, old and new alike. The walls near the stair case – which lead up to the tea and reading room - had a scattering of windows where small bits of dust often accumulated around the corners. The potent smell of paper and oak stuck to all sections of the store. To Colette it smelled like comfort and home.

As Colette dusted the floor Lilith floated behind her, like an otter wadding through a river bed. She had to bite her lower lip to stop it from bursting into a face splitting smile. She did not succeed too well though. Colette continued her dusting around the far corner, to the small back section of the store, where the piles of books covered the window, only allowing speckles of light to crack through.

“Did you start reading any new books last night?” She asked Lilith.

“Technically yes, though it was more of a re-read,” Lilith laughed. “I think I was just in the mood to visit some old friends.”

“Oh? And what was it?”

“ _The Happy Prince_.”

“But that is such a sad read!” Colette exclaimed. “I just, gosh, it really got to me when I read it. I especially feel bad for the Swallow. He and the Happy Prince just loved each other so much. But in the end their love just made them look dull and unappealing to the rest of the world. They didn't care, though. ”

“Oh yeah, it’s a heartbreaker. It’s a story that always sits with me, though. I just - I truly wish to have a love like that.”

“A love where you give up your whole self for the other person? I don’t know if that would be too healthy. Isn’t love supposed to be rainbows and roses?”

“No. One where all I am, and all I’m capable of is enough. Where even if I’m but a small Swallow, my princess will find beauty and reason in me. Because I know I have a princess who I would happily stay cold for.” Lilith said, with a smirk. Colette could only smirk back, her face growing warm.

“I still think it would be a bit of a tragic and sad love,” Colette replied. “It wouldn't be proper love. It would be love through the eyes of a poet, which would only end in tragedy. I don’t think tragedy can be with real love. Real love has no pain.”

“What? Of course real love has pain. I mean, obviously there is some pain that should never be associated with love, or is love wrapped up in lies. Of course that is not actually love though, that is just manipulation. But when you love someone you can absolutely feel pain and tragedy, especially when you miss them. But you also feel rainbows and roses.” Lilith exclaimed, while she floated further up to the roof to continue basking in the warm morning light. Leaving Colette to continue with her jobs.

Wednesdays were never busy days. She would have been lucky to see at least twenty people, so she did not really have to clean the store so thoroughly, but she took much pride in her work, and hated breaking her routine. So she had continued to clean and wash down everything she could. Strictly sticking to her routine. Talking with Lilith whenever she got the chance. Not that it was hard, if it were up to Lilith, she would talk off Colette’s ear all day if she let her. Most days Colette did let her. Lilith had a way of oozing this addictive nature all over Colette, like honey and sweet treats. Even her most mundane thoughts were enticing and like going down a rabbit hole.

After she had finished the setting up and cleaning of the store Colette opened up the door to the public and placed the ‘OPEN’ chalk board out the front, next to the ceramic purple pot plants. Once she had come back inside she saw Lilith taking her normal spot next to the counter top, right next to where Colette would sit. Smiling happily, still _there_ , yet off in her own mind as always. Colette always wondered how she was able to be like that so often; be as though she cared not how the world was or care what people were thinking. Colette was always thinking and pondering over such things, some days it would be all her mind was dragged through. Though, perhaps it was a lot easier to be blasé over such things when one was a ghost, and not too many people could actually see you. She wondered if Lilith held the same personality as she did when she was alive, or if it had changed. Was she truly being her authentic self? Was she compensating for who she was _not_ before she became what she was then? All she ever wanted for Lilith was to feel that who she is was okay. The thought of anyone discouraging Lilith for being herself almost made Colette shake with a bilious rage.

“Are you ready for another boring day today?” Lilith chimed in, pulling Colette out of her mind.

“Boring? With you there constantly blabbering and floating around?” Collette smirked, she had a learnt a thing or two on how to verbally banter with people since meeting Lilith. “I doubt it. If anything I would be rather looking forward to a day of no noise or action. I don’t think I should dream so big though! Nothing stays sane here for over a minute.”

“You know, you really aren’t all that good at saying stuff like that, Colette. Your eyes are all big and I can hear your heart thumping from all the way over here! You love me, I know it. You just can’t get enough me. You don’t have to pretend, it is okay; this is a judge free zone,” Colette could do nothing but giggle a little before walking over to Lilith and smiling at her. She tried to emulate the energy and personality of Lilith as much as she could, but she often fell through. No one could do Lilith as well as Lilith could. She was defiantly more than okay with that.

“Do you think Mr. Vermoski will be coming in today? His order has been here for ages and I swear, I will open it and read it for myself if he does not,” Lilith said. She had a habit of jumping quickly from conversations. Colette believed it was due to that fact that she had copious amounts of thoughts just consistently whirling through her brain, so she did not really have much of a choice, and needed to get as many out as possible. Besides, Colette never minded. People never really wanted to talk to her, so having someone around her that emitted so much solace and warmth never made her upset. She was glad Lilith had so many different thoughts; it made herself feel less distraught for having so many limited and rigid ones. It felt as though everything she lacked, everything that made her like a broken mirror, Lilith made up for it. She had enough wholeness and light for them both; and she was kind enough to share it with Colette.

“I went to see Mrs. Barrow this morning, and she said that his daughter’s wedding is still being organised, even though it is supposed to be happening soon. So I think he is too busy to come in for a while,” Colette said. “I could always buy you one of your own if you really want one, Lilith.”

Lilith’s face lit up and she tumbled and turned though the air, fanning the rich smells into Colette’s face. If Colette could have caught those small moments into tiny golden jars, and collected them all to display around the store she would have do it in a heartbeat. Those moments were the most precious to her, as they made her feel as though she was living in the novels and fantasy worlds that surrounded her. Not in the real world. Not in the world where it hurt. Not in the world where she was wrong. Not in the world where she was broken and weird and weak and insignificant. _No_. In those moments she was whole. In those moments she was boundless and triumphant.

The rest of the day seemed to slumber along. It only meandering through the hours every so often. The warmth of the room slowly expanding and spreading to all the nooks and crannies. Throughout most of it Lilith just swam through the air, humming small tunes of the past. Colette had recognised a few of the songs, though most of them escaped her. It was still a comforting background noise though. She wondered where Lilith had first heard them. Were they songs she used to sing? Did they hold precious memories? _What were those memories?_

Some days Colette felt odd not knowing more about Lilith. But how much was there to know? There was not an awful lot to know about herself, so how much could there have been to know about Lilith? Surely not that much, was what Colette told herself. It was what she tried to convince herself of; it was just not possible though. Every time she looked at those somehow still deep eyes that resembled a flourished benthos, she just _knew_ there was a labyrinth that made up her past. Small little fragments of life that had over time slowly accumulated to construct the Lilith she knew. _Her Lilith_. So her curiosity simply continued to grow until it had manifested itself into its own shadow. It would stick itself to Colette’s eyes, fogging her view until it was sometimes one of the only thoughts in her mind. Though it prevented her from looking forward sometimes, she never really minded too much, any thought of Lilith always left a sweet residue of honey and warm feelings. Even the ones that left her craving more, or feel lonely. Even the ones that made her feel a lost person. Even the ones that left her searching for something she did not even think was real. _Every_ thought of Lilith was a beautiful one, no matter what shell it came in. If Colette were to be honest though, she did not know what to do with all those thoughts. Not that she particularly knew how to do much of anything, at least, that is what she believed.

Lilith always knew what to do.

Lilith always had a plan.

Lilith always held the sun in the palm of her hand; she gave life to whatever she touched.

Colette continued to smile as she watched Lilith floating through the store, not having a care in the world. She let the warm summer heat roll over her soft skin, the faint lingering sound of a wind chime dusting the air around them.

Days like those washed Colette’s mind clean, at least for a little while.

 

While she was pulling old books out of the donation box, she started to reorganise some of the shelves to slip more books in them. The dry air from outside wafted into the store. She could see Lilith floating around the hollies placed near the windows of the front of the store. The tress across the dirt road silhouetted through her. Sometimes poking her head to a spot in the window where she could clearly see Colette, simply to great her with a smile. Colette would smile back and always give her a little wave. Lilith’s actions and behaviours often left Colette forgetting she had supposedly been twenty, a whole two years older than herself. She could sometimes feel Lilith’s maturity or wisdom, yet it felt more like a backdrop than anything else. Something you could really see if you stoped focusing on the main show, which Colette very rarely found herself doing. Lilith was too abundant in activity for her attention to ever go anywhere else for any amount of time that mattered.

“Colette! Colette!” Lilith loudly babbled from outside.

“Yes, Lilith?” She replied, the seeds of a smile already spreading over her lips.

“You have to come outside this very second! I have something I need you to do.”

“Okay. Just give me a minute, let me finish putting up these last three books and I will be right there,” Swiftly placing the books up onto their respective shelf and kicking the empty box to the side, she flattened down her clothes, brushing off the dust and made her way outside. Once she had made her way out the door she had to squint her eyes, the bright glare of the sun too strong for her eyes. Yet she still never took her eyes off Lilith. Waiting for her next instructions.

“Do you think you could please pick one of those hollies for me? Please?” Lilith asked, her voice soft and mellow, clearly calmed by the situation to come.

“Oh, yes of course. Which one would you like?” She asked. The warmth and surreal feeling in her chest flowing to the tips of her fingers.

“The big one. Right at the top there,” She said, pointing towards the upper right corner of the window.

“What a lovely pick. I like that one too,” Standing on the tip of her toes she reached up and picked the large and snow white holly flower. She turned around to show Lilith. Both of their smiles reflected in each other. “Now, what would you like to do with it?”

“Put it in your hair.”

“What?”

“Put the flower in your hair, please,” Lilith happily exclaimed. “Right near your ear. I think it will look really pretty there.” She floated up a little so she was eye level with Colette, watching her closely, her eyes locked, as Colette slowly placed it in her thick hair.

Colette smiled.

“Yep, I knew it,” Lilith whispered.

Collette giggled. “Knew what?”

“It would look beautiful on you. Though, I think that is normal,” She continued. “Anything will look beautiful on a beautiful person.”

“T-thank you,” Colette mumbled. A warm red blush started to trickle down her cheeks to her neck.

The air around them felt thick. As though it had been lathered in honey and sweet milk. Colette felt as though she was meant to say something. Like she was meant to _do_ something. She knew that if this were a movie, or a book, she would do something meaningful. She would do something that would hold magic in its touch. She wanted to do that – whatever it was. She just did not know what that thing was.

Should she say something cool and suave, acting as though it meant nothing?

Should she compliment her back? But, where would she begin. Which one compliment would she pick?

Should she confess something?

She did not what she should do. So she simply did nothing. Her eyes gazed down at the ground, too embarrassed, too unsure, to look at Lilith. Colette could feel her looking at her though. She did not even have to look up to know what Lilith looked like. She knew her eyes would be warm. She knew they would hold something unimaginable. She knew that if she were to look up she would see an odd sense of friendly loneliness. But, she also knew that Lilith would be there. She knew she was someone who had been patiently waiting for her. She knew she would be greeted kindly. She knew that Lilith saw a different Colette then Colette saw herself; somehow, Lilith saw something not broken. She knew Lilith wanted her to look up. She just knew.

She looked up.

Lilith was smiling back at her.

Colette felt a wave of relief and reassurance engulfed around her.

Lilith had a small way of making Colette not feel as displaced and broken as she often did. Though, she was sure Lilith had no idea. That was just how she was.

 

 

***

 

There was a time when Colette’s castle was one built out of grime and stone. She had locked herself in it, in hopes that the evil spirits would leave her alone. In hopes that _they_ would not find her. _They_ always found a way to break down her barricades though. She never truly found out why.

Colette did not understand people. At least not in the ways she was meant to. She understood the basics; she could understand why people got sad, happy and angry even. She thought she could understand why they did some of the things they did, but for the most part they all seemed to be moving and living in a way Colette could not describe. She did not really understand what even made her so different. She could like things other people did. She cried, laughed and smiled just like everyone else. She even shared the same opinions as some other people. To anyone looking in, Colette was just like everyone else. She even felt the same way, sometimes. Only, she knew something was missing. She knew she was more of a human vessel than anything else. It felt as though there was a little something in everyone, right near their heart, right near who they were, and they all had ones that could connect to each other; but Colette always felt she had something wrong there. Whatever everyone else had there, hers was made of something different.

Maybe that was why she had to lock herself away. After the other kids started to notice that her little light was different, they wanted to make sure she knew she was not welcome. That she was always meant to stand off on the side. That her purpose was to be anything _other than_ who she was born as.

It took her a few years to truly catch onto it though. For a long while she lived in ignorance and bliss. She felt different, but she thought no one else would have noticed. How could they have noticed something like that? It was so small. Surely they would not have noticed. But they did. Oh god, did they notice.

Once Colette reached the age of fourteen she was paranoid of many things. She was even scared of things she was not aware she was scared of. She would sit with people and they would ignore her, she would share her food, and they would steal her pens. She would smile and they would laugh at her. She would say “Hello! Good morning” and they would turn the other way. She would step out of their way, and they would shove her down into the dirt. Like sand tricklingly through her fingers, she slowly started to lose the people that had once surrounded her. The reflection that looked back at her was one that had no one else in the background. She did not want to feel alone. She did not want other people to know she was alone. So she did the only thing that made any sense to her at the time. She took herself to the toilets.

She locked herself in her castle. She became her own protector. She threw away the key and turned her mind off whenever she entered them. The walls had been riddled with curse words and slurs, so all she would ever see were the words of hate she knew other people were thinking being rubbed into her eyes every day. Whenever she would close her eyes the faint glimpse of the letters and words would float across her eyelids.

 _God hates fags_.

 _Go back to where you came from_.

 _I hate frigid girls_.

_Wrong._

_Not good enough._

_Hate,_

_Hate,_

_Hate._

Colette knew none of those words were written for her. They were written by other teenagers trying to prove something. Trying to be something, or someone. She knew that. They still burrowed themselves into her insecurities and fears though. They still hurt. They hurt because they just visualized all the reasons she had to feel sad. All the reasons she felt she was alone. When someone has isolated themselves from their own mind it can be awfully hard to distinguish which hurtful words came from others, and which came from yourself. They all blurred into one manufactured truth. They all added to that same sense of indifference and sticky confusion.

Colette so desperately wanted to be like those around her. Yet, she was not willing to sacrifice who she was for it. She tried to say she was tenacious. She tried to say she was strong. She tried to say that she tried. It reached the point where her heart could no longer take it though. Colette hated not knowing what was so different about her. She knew it had nothing to do with her sexuality and romantic orientation, because no one knew.

She was normal, in the most peculiar way. And it hurt.

Soon the faces of the people around her began to all blur into one. The world around her consisted of shoes and legs, as she lost the courage to look into anyone’s eyes.

 _Why have you not completed this work?_ Her teachers would say.

 _Oh yeah, you should sit with us!_ A group of girls would snigger, as they excluded her from conversations.

 _Watch it! Freak!_ Boys would yell at her as they ran into her.

 _You just need to try harder. You cannot expect to make friends if you don’t put yourself out there_ , Her school counsellor would say.

 _That is just life. It is a good learning experience for you. You ain’t gonna get along with everyone in life you meet. You gotta take it on the chin_ , Her father’s friend told her.

 _You aren’t apart of a group? Why not? Colette, this is a group exercise. Go find a group and stop wasting time_ , Her science teacher said.

 _I love gay people, I just don’t think they should get married, or show so much public affection! I don’t need that stuff shoved into my face_ , A group of kids at her school said.

 _Oi! Is there someone in there? Are you listening to our conversation? Get out of there!_ A group of girls had yelled at her in the toilets.

 _Toilet slut!_ Some kids would purposefully whisper as she walked past them.

 _Asexuals are just sexually repressed and broken. Whatever, it is just natural selection in the process. They are probably all just lying about it. They are freaks. They are not even oppressed enough. They should not be in this space,_ She would read on the internet while looking for comfort.

 _Hahaha!_ Her class laughed when she asked a teacher for help.

 _You don’t have to put up with that Colette, you don’t have to stay there. Just take a break for a little while_ , Her father had said.

 _I think I have a place you can go to, if you would like,_ Mrs. Barrow said.

 

The first weekend after she had dropped out of school she was lying across her bed, the spring evening air thick and warm over her body. Lulling her to sleep. The neighbour’s soft music of the early 2000’s playing over the fence. Colette’s feet were hanging over the edge of the bed, her thick, dark black curly hair rubbing the fresh smell of conditioner onto her pillow. Her soft, richly brown skin covered by thin sheets. Her breathing was small, yet rigid. Still holding the weight of her past decisions. Colette believed those emotions would pass one day. It had been a fresh wound, so of course she was going to feel it. She had never expected any differently, so she let herself drift through the comfort of her bed. Of being lazy - of just not doing anything. She let herself sleep, because she knew she needed it, she knew all the feelings of doubt would pass in time, if she just let herself sleep.

She had been pulled out of her dreams when a small knock on the door stirred her.

“Colette?” Her father had whispered as he came in through the door.

Colette had always been told she looked like him. That the remnants of his past were scattered through her. She only saw it in little ways though. Mainly in their mannerisms. They both preferred reading books over talking to people. They both nibbled on the lips when they were nervous. They both picked at their finger nails if they were uncomfortable; and they both loved to drown their scrambled eggs in ketchup. The only physical characteristics she could see she inherited from her father was her height. She had always been a gangly person. When she was younger she loved it; she could grab things from high places and it gave her a present feeling of jurisdiction. She hated it as she got older though. Being tall made it harder to hide. Being tall made it harder to become invisible to the world and let it suck you in.

Everything else, she thought she got from her mother. At least, based on the photos she had of her that was what it appeared to be.

“Yeah?” She mumbled back.

“I was just coming to see how you were going,” He said. “Wanted to see if maybe you were up for running a little errand for me.”

Collette laughed. “That depends on what it is. If I’m going to hate it I don’t think I want to do it.”

“Nah. I think you’ll like it. Mrs. Barrow has been sick lately, so she’s not been able to do much. I’ve been taking dinner and stuff over to her for about a week now, but it’s still cooking, and I need to leave soon for my shift,” He explained. “Could you please take the potato bake out of the oven in ten minutes and walk it over to her?”

“I didn’t know she was sick. I mean, yeah sure, I’ll take it over to her. That’s no trouble. But why didn’t you tell me she was feeling sick?”

“I don’t know, you have been having a pretty rough time and I didn’t want to put extra stuff on you. It’s not like she needs to go to hospital or anything, she’s just getting a bit old, so she needs more help sometimes,” He replied. He came over and gave her a kiss on the forehead before leaving her room. “Thanks again. Contact me if you need anything.”

“Bye. Be safe!” Colette called back.

After he left, Colette stretched herself out and pulled herself out of her state of drowsiness. The late evening glow kissed her cheeks and eye lids as she started to leave her room. Her feet leisurely dragged her to the kitchen.

Two wide gem eyes greeted her once she had arrived. Her cat was soundly lounging on top of the stove, soaking up all the warmth from the cooking food below. He was too affected by the apathy of warmth to be productive. She smiled as she stroked his soft and ginger, young fur. What she would have given to have traded spots with him, even if just for a week. She thought it must have been nice to not worry about everything so much. To be able to nap on top of an oven and just spend your whole life being cute and cuddly. It sounded like the perfect deal to her. Though maybe she had just been thinking too idealistically.

The little purrs he released as she scratched him were mellifluous and immensely comforting for Colette. His little head lolled to the side, pleading for further scratches and pats. His eyes slowly closed as he was further hooked into the hypnotic state of comfort and affection. Colette giggled as he partly stuck out his small pink tongue. His tail slowly moved around before resting over one of his back legs which were also staring to stick out.

“Are you enjoying that?” She whispered. “Hmm?” He just further curled his body around, soaking up the tender love.

After the oven timer went off she pulled out the potato bake, placing it onto the counter to let it cool down a little before placing it into a container.

“I have to go now,” She told her cat. “I promise I will return quickly though, so be a good boy.”

Locking up the house she made her way down the street, thin dots of sweat covering her forehead. Walking past the houses in her street often gave her an odd sense of solace and comfort. There were people in all of them, living their own lives. Completely unaffected by the decisions she makes in life. They all had their own problems, their own quarrels. Their paths in life would most likely never cross, apart from seeing each other in the morning, collecting the same news about the world. It was an odd yet humbling feeling, to know you were just a dot among many.

After around fifteen minutes of walking Collette could see Mrs. Barrow’s house sitting on the corner. The white paint peeling off. The shrub over growing and a few of the roses wilting. The windows looked dusty, yet the porch looked immaculately clean. She walked up the stairs and knocked on the door.

First she was only greeted with silence.

Then she heard the hurried and scrambled noises, accompanied with loud muttering. She could not help but softly chuckle to herself. Mrs. Barrow always made Colette chuckle.

“Oh! Colette! Hello dear,” Mrs. Barrow exclaimed. Her short frizzy hair was tied up in poorly made bun. Her clothes an awful clash of brown, hot pink and gold. As always, her large round glasses took up half of her face, and made her appear as if she was looking through a giant fish bowl. Her lips were sticky with bright red lipstick.

She pulled Colette in for a hug before inviting her in. Collette manoeuvred her way over fallen fabrics and misplaced knick-knacks. Being extra mindful not to knock over the leaning towers of books. When they finally reached the lounge room Colette placed the potato bake container on the coffee table and sat down the chequered lounge. Mrs. Barrow made her way to the chair opposite Colette and slowly sat herself down.

“So, Collette, what brings you here today? Hmm?” Mrs. Barrow asked, kindness hinging through her words.

“I just came to see how you were going, and drop off some dinner father made for you.”

“Oh that man! He really is too good me, Collette. I kept telling him I’m able to order my own food to be delivered but he just won’t have any of it,” Mrs. Barrow’s eyes seemed to be filled with a type of happiness that Colette was not too used to seeing. “But thank you for bringing it over to me, dear; I’m sure it is wonderful.”

“No, that’s okay. But, how are you feeling? I had no idea that you have been unwell.”

“Oh, well, you know. I think I’m plodding along alright. You were lucky today; actually, you caught me on a day that I was able to get out of bed. I’m just getting old. My body doesn’t like me as much as it used to. It was bound to happen eventually,” She laughed to herself, though it seemed empty. “What about you? How have you been going? I heard from your father that you dropped out of school.”

“I – I think I’m going alright. I didn’t want to drop out of school, not really, but I was old enough to, and the people there, they, um, well they just made it too hard to go back. I might go back again next year, to school in general I mean, not _that_ school. But I don’t know. I figure that all schools will probably just turn out the same.”

“That seems tough, I hope you haven’t taken what they have said or done too much to heart.”

“How could I not?”

“Well, did they attack anything specific? I mean even if they did you should not listen to it, but I suppose I could understand more if they did.”

“Well, yes and no. They did, but they attacked things that originally I didn’t really care about. It wasn’t all the time or anything.” Colette mumbled. “It just – it really hurt when it was over things I couldn’t control. Like my sexuality.”

“I’m sorry, Colette. I know how much all of that probably hurt you. But you know, there is nothing wrong in being who you are, loving who you love or loving the way you do. You may not be perfect, but no one really is. You are enough just the way you are. You don’t need to change for the world, you just have to help the world change,” Her voice was soft, almost hesitant.

“Thank you, Mrs. Barrow.”

“Oh, don’t mention it, dear. What’s the point of being old if I can’t rattle off some wisdom here and there?” She laughed. “But, Colette, I also want you to remember something; it’s okay to not be okay. You don’t have to force yourself to feel better or stand as tall as you used to. Taking your time and going where you feel comfortable is what’s most important.”

“I would. I mean, I want to. I just don’t know what to do with myself. The world seems so scary and far away. I wouldn’t even know where to start,” Colette whispered. “I just don’t want to make any more mistakes.”

“I think I have a place you can go to, if you'd like.”

“What?”

“A place you can go to, until you figure the best course of action for yourself. You know I own a little bookshop, right? Well, in the state that I’ve been in I’ve had no chance to go there, so it has been closed. You could go work there for as long as you need to. I’ll even pay you, of course.”

“Wait, no, that is too much. I couldn’t ask you to do that for me,” Colette exclaimed. Her voice soft and nervous. “I – I’m sure you would also like someone a bit more capable then I am.”

“Nonsense! You are perfectly capable. A little shy, maybe, but still capable nonetheless. And it is not just me helping you out; you’d be doing me a huge favour! The little shop means so much to me, it is very special, and I would not trust it to anyone else other then you,” She winked at Colette. “So, what do you say?”

Colette sat there for a moment. All of her possible actions and options spun through her mind. Both clouding and liberating her from her internal insecurities and doubts. She eventually looked up at Mrs. Barrow. Smiling.

“Mrs. Barrow, really, this is so kind of you. Thank you so much.”

Mrs. Barrow laughed. “It’s no trouble at all. I know you’ll do a wonderful job.”

“When would you like me to start then?”

“Hmm, how about next week on Monday? That gives you a little time to rest up and get prepared then.”

“Yes, yes of course. Thank you again, really.”

“Oh, don’t mention it. Now, would you be a dear and help me up please? And heat up that food you brought with you? Knowing how your father cooks it will be absolutely delicious, and I’m starving.”

Colette walked over and aided Mrs. Barrow up, and together they walked to the kitchen, where they would share a meal.

***

Colette’s first memory of Lilith was one that was not overly clear. It was a memory that had been washed away by the feelings of the present and the anticipations of the future. She knew that at first it had been filled with disbelief and fear. Who would not be scared of a little ghost lady floating through an old building? Who would not be dubious of something that was so distant and far away from their own version of reality?

Yet, over time, those feelings had modelled themselves into love and acceptance. They came from the foundations of tenacious kindness and newly founded open mindedness. Colette could not even remember when her feelings started to change, one day she just realized she had found herself in a new rhythm. One that had evaded her before. She did not care if Lilith was human or a ghost. She did not care if Lilith was real or not, because in Colette’s eyes and view of the world, Lilith was indisputably real. And that was all that mattered.

Lilith would talk to her for hours. She would sing to Colette. She, for a reason that escaped Colette at the time, would always be happy to just _see_ Colette. It was the affection and inclusion that she had been so deprived of for so long. She tried so hard to get it right; she tried so hard to be to Lilith what Lilith was to her. She did not want to give up what she had wanted for so long. Sometimes, Colette wondered if she was idolising Lilith, if she only craved her so much because she had never had those feelings before; but those thoughts never stayed too long. Because Lilith had proved that she cared for Colette just as much as Colette cared for her. Sometimes doubt scraped its grubby hands over Colette’s confidence, but she also grew strong enough to remove them without leaving too many scars.

Some days Colette started to stay at the bookshop until late into the night. Lilith and her huddled up together on the lounge in the tea and reading room, sharing secrets of the pasts and dreams for the future. In those moments Colette felt time dissolve around her, and Lilith became all she felt and saw. The faint scent of vanilla candles sprinkled through the memories of those nights.

Colette also found out about the unknown strength of other people who had touched her life. Lilith spoke of the past of the bookshop and its owner. She told stories of sanctuary and unity. Mrs. Barrow often had young people who felt rejected from society fill the nooks and crannies of her store. She spoke of all the rights Mrs. Barrow fought for, and how many lives she changed. It felt so humbling to learn more about the women she had been close to for most of her life. It felt poignant to have that connection to Lilith.

Lilith never spoke much of her past, or who she was before she became a ghost, and Colette never pushed to find out, but if Lilith ever did talk about something of her past, it was always in those moments at night. The night that Colette never forgot, was the one where Lilith hesitantly spoke of what life was like for her as a young transgender girl, before she became a ghost. Lilith told her about how happy she was when she first found the word that described how she was feeling, the elated tears she cried when her mother first took her to buy a cute blue dress, what it felt like when people started to see her for the person she always knew she was. Colette hung on every word, never taking her eyes away from Lilith’s. As every little word escaped Lilith’s mouth Colette could feel their bond and understanding of one another strength and deepen to a level she almost could not comprehend. It started to feel as if Colette’s reflection was no longer alone and isolated, but finally surrounded by a newly flourishing garden.

It was within those moments where Colette realized she wanted to kiss Lilith.

She never did, though. The act of kissing seemed better suited to her own internal fantasies then actually happening in real life. There were so many ways it could have gone wrong. She did not even know if Lilith wanted to kiss her. She did not want to risk it. But her lips would always crave the touch of Lilith’s, especially when Colette went back home and was alone. When the mere memories of her were not enough to dull the aches and pangs that wallowed through her heart and up out of her throat.

***

Colette was wiping down the counter, with Lilith floating behind her. She was humming her familiar tunes. She could feel the weight of sleep hooked through her eyes. The day had been long and decently busy, with both customers and the re-stocking of new items. Her energy was dripping out of her body with each passing minute. She was hoping that she could push past it for as long as she needed to.

As she started to walk around the back corner to make sure all the books were packed away she heard the tiny ringing of the bell above the door. She sighed before walking back around to talk to who had just entered.

“I’m sorry, but we’re actually closed for the day so-”

The man who had entered cut in, his voice mellow yet hinted with a sense of uneasy. “I know. I’m sorry. I just had to come here while I could. I promise I won’t take up too much of your time.”

Colette could see the man was desperate for her to let him stay. The way he fidgeted with his shirt and could not look her in the eyes washed her with a feeling of distant similarity. He looked kind, but he held the same lines of tiredness that Colette did, so she decided to let him stay.

“Is there anything I can help you with then? Would you like a cup of tea maybe?” She asked, moving closer to him.

“Oh, no, that’s okay. Thank you,” He replied. “I just – you see I used to come here a lot when I was younger. This place was a very special place to me, but I moved away, so I haven’t been able to see it for years now,” Through the corner of her eye Colette could see Lilith slowly move her way closer, a mixed look of confusion and pain was starting to blossom in patches over her face. “I was actually wondering if Mrs. Barrow was here at all.”

“I’m really sorry; she does not work here anymore. It’s just me,” Colette’s voice was hesitant; she did not want to push the conversation into one that might make Lilith more uncomfortable. “Don’t worry though, she’s okay, just a bit too old to still be working.”

“No, that’s alright, I expected as much. She was fairly old when I knew her.”

“You were close to her?”

“Yes, very. She helped me out a lot when I was going through a rough patch in life,” He explained. His body had appeared to loosen up as he talked more. “She helped a lot of people like me. Lots of us used to come here to see others like us, or get some famous Mrs. Barrow hugs and advice. A lot of us have lost touch over the years though. We also lost a few of our friends along the way,” He whispered, his body growing tense again. Colette could see Lilith shaking, as if she was holding back a river of tears; as if she was also restraining herself from rushing over and giving the man a hug. Colette wanted to help, but she did not know what to do.

“I’m very sorry to hear that. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for all of you.”

“Thank you. We all dealt with it differently. I think what hurt me the most is that with all my friends I lost, they were scared of themselves. They feared the emotions they were feeling,” He moved closer to Colette as his voice got softer. “That’s why Mrs. Barrow was so great. She tried to help us not fear our emotions. She saw us. The first time you get seen for whom you really are, is when someone is willing to see you. They see you before you even know you need to be seen. Without even noticing it, they see you,” He exclaimed. “Being seen like that for the first time is really something let me tell you. Before you know it you are able to open up you heart to them.”

“That really sounds so wonderful,” Colette whispered, trying to not distance herself and go and comfort Lilith, who was crying at that point.

“It really was. That’s why I feel so bad for a few of my friends, because they were afraid of themselves and the world,” He looked as if he was going to continue talking, but a small car horn interrupted him. He looked outside the window to the car parked out the front. “I’m sorry. That’s my boyfriend. I told him I was only going to be a minute. I should get going. I’m glad I got to see this place again. Thank you,” He waved as he left. Colette waved back.

Lilith had floated away at that point. Everything in Colette’s body screamed at her to follow Lilith, but she knew Lilith needed a little a space for the meantime.

 

 

Rain dropped against the windows of the bookshop. The trees solemnly swayed, the wind could be heard whispering questions of the past in a secretive tone as the night sky started to blend over the horizon, dropping little stars along the way.

Colette stood near the kettle, waiting for the water to boil, up in the tea and reading room. Lilith sat near the corner, floating near the far right, midway up the large bookcase. She was pretending to read, as Colette could feel her heated gaze burning into the back of her neck. Lilith had been distressed since the man left, so Colette knew something had to be wrong. But she also knew Lilith would not say anything until night, until the illusions of daytime had passed and the comfort constructed around dark came in.

Once Colette had made her tea, she went and sat down on the lounge. Waiting. Patiently.

She knew Lilith would come down next to her when she was ready.

After what felt like twenty minutes Lilith slowly floated down from her spot and went next to Colette. Colette turned to Lilith to let her know that she was ready. She was ready to listen. She was ready to catch Lilith if she fell.

It took a moment, but eventually, Lilith looked back at Collette. She could see the anguish and uncertain tension in those big green eyes. Colette remained quiet though. She waited for Lilith to organise her thoughts.

“It is really hard sometimes. I get an idea in my head, and I think I can do it, but then I just question everything. Then I just confuse myself and I don’t know where to go,” Lilith mumbled. Her voice was nervous from its own ambiguity. “I know – I know I have limitations. I know there are certain things I can’t do, but I like to think they won’t stop me. But I just don’t know.”

Colette compressed her words. She waited, but she never took her eyes away from Lilith.

“I want to be brave. I want to not let my differences hold me back, but I am so afraid, Colette, I really am,” Lilith’s voice wavered; it sounded as if it was cracking under the weight of her emotions.

Colette still held her gaze. “It’s okay to be afraid. I don’t know why you are scared, but there is no shame in it. I promise to help the best I can.”

“What - what if you are the reason I am afraid,” She whispered. Her voice continued to shatter.

Colette felt a thick tightness wrap itself around her throat. “What?”

“I have shown so much to you. I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want you to leave, but I know I can’t stop you from doing what you want. I don’t _want_ to stop you either.”

“Lilith . . . I – I don’t really know, I don’t know what you mean. I’m sorry. I just, I just want to help,” Colette’s words smashed together, her voice was strained. “I promise you won’t lose me though. I can promise you that.”

“No. You can’t promise that. I wouldn’t want you to promise that.”

“I promise to try and stay then, okay? You don’t have to be afraid of me, you know I care and only want to help.”

Lilith turned her head and looked directly into Colette’s eyes. Their gazes connected and Lilith sighed, she felt some of her tension leave her body.

“Colette, I know that being the way I am I probably can’t offer you an awful lot. I know that, I do. And I don’t know if what I’m going to say is selfish or not, but it is how I feel,” Colette could hear that Lilith’s strength had come back to her words. Her energy infusing into the room. “I really like you. I really, really like you. I want to be your number one, I want to protect you, I want to be protected by you. I want to kiss you. I want to hug you. I want to know everything there is to know about you, and I want you to know everything about me. I want to call you beautiful, and take you on a journey through my eyes, so you can see why you are the most incredible person in the world, to me,” Lilith looked flushed. Her eyes wide from anticipation.

Colette’s eyes mirrored those of Lilith’s.

She felt her heart swell.

She felt a thick sludge grow in her throat.

She did not know what to say, or how to respond.

It was then Lilith who waited patiently. Colette could see that she was trying hard to not show the cracks in her face, but they still broke through in a crashing wave of uncertainty, doubt and possible regret.

“But, Lilith, I’m just _me_. I’m _just_ Colette,” Colette broke the connection between their eyes, swiftly looking away. “You can’t possibly feel that way about -”

“Don’t tell me how I can feel!” Lilith cried. “I _can_ and _do_ love you! You are not ‘ _just_ ’ anything. You're amazing! You're so special, Colette.”

“But -”

“No. No, Colette, you don’t get to decide that. You don’t. I know what I'm feeling and I know who I'm feeling it for.”

Colette slowly brought her eyes back to Lilith’s. She saw a look of certainty and determination that she had never seen on Lilith before that moment. She knew what she wanted to say to Lilith. She knew how she felt towards Lilith. Even though her self-image was not as distorted as it used to be, that did not mean that that she thought she fully deserved Lilith.

What about all of those opinions others held of her? Those thoughts she had had about herself for so long? Surely Lilith would also soak up those opinions in due time. Surely she would see what everyone else saw too.

_But you know, there is nothing wrong in being who you are, loving who you love or loving the way you do. You may not be perfect, but no one really is. You are enough just the way you are. You don’t need to change for the world._

Colette had worked hard to not let herself be defined by the hatred of the world. She worked hard to not be seen as broken. To just accept who she was.

Lilith had accepted her for who she was.

Lilith had seen the Colette that Colette was trying to be. That she was trying to tell the world she was.

Although Colette had worked hard for herself, the kindness of Lilith helped to clear her path. It was always easier to see the worthwhileness in yourself when someone else gave you their hand from time to time.

She knew she loved Lilith.

She knew she wanted to be with Lilith.

She just needed to trust herself.

She just needed to give herself a chance.

It was okay to have limitations.

There was nothing wrong with who she was. Nothing.

She did not want to live in fear of her emotions.

“Colette?” Lilith moved closer to her. She leaned her head in.

“Lilith . . . thank you. Thank you, for being brave, for the both of us,” Colette could feel the heat rising into her cheeks. Her hands felt sweaty and her heart beat was fast and uncertain. “I – I love you, too. I do. I really do. Thank you for finding beauty in someone like me. Thank you.” She could feel the warm tears building up in her eyes. She could feel years of tension seeping out of her. Years of doubt crumbling away. She still held onto fragments of her distance and fear, but they too, were slowly slipping away through her tears.

“Colette? May I please kiss you?” Lilith whispered. A smile had spread wide across her face.

Colette nodded.

The familiar scent of vanilla candles wafted over them. The faint sound of rain drops scattering over the window could be heard in the background. Lilith leaned in; the strong pull of _need_ tugging them both closer.

It felt cold and warm all that the same time. Like the light sensation of a spider’s web, Lilith’s ghost lips dusted over Colette’s. Time wrapped itself around the two girls, like a blanket, protecting them from the thoughts of tomorrow. Though Lilith could not move closer to Colette without floating through her, Colette had still never felt as close to Lilith as she did in those moments. Waves of worth and importance washed through Colette’s body, cleansing her. It did not remove the pains of the past, but it paved the way from her questions of the future.

She had truly started to believe she was worth it. She was not broken.

Colette broke away from Lilith. “You're so beautiful.”

“So are you, Colette,” Lilith giggled.

Colette wanted to keep weaving compliments through the air to Lilith. She wanted Lilith to bask in the all the love and warmth Colette had held in her heart for so long. She wanted to show her how far she had come, how much stronger she was; to show her how far she had gone by herself and how far Lilith had helped her go. She wanted her to see how precious of a friend Lilith was to her; how much she wanted to expand themselves and where their hearts went together. She wanted to let Lilith see all of her fears and questions for the future, but also how excited she was to obtain new names and meanings with her.

Lilith’s hands ran up and down Colette’s arm. It felt warm and cold, there and vanishing, all at the same time. Lilith’s presences strung all of Colette’s memories and thoughts into one tight ball that lodged itself in the pit of her stomach. Sending shocks of shivers through her body at a mellow pace. Her heart felt like it was floating through lukewarm warm and bubbles.

As Collette brushed her fingers over Lilith’s cheek, she felt an odd sensation of nothing, yet the indisputable felling of _something_ too. Lilith closed her eyes to the touch, dipping her head further into Colette’s hand. Colette let time run away from her. She lost track of how long her and Lilith sat on the lounge, focused on nothing else but the comforting presences of each other. Colette still had trouble wrapping her mind around how Lilith could feel and accept her the way she did, but those thoughts were swiftly chased away with the feeling of Lilith’s hand on her hand.

Colette’s eyes moved the back wall, where a clock hung. Reality came back to her in a sudden burst.

“Ah, Lilith, I'm so sorry. I have to leave. I don’t want to miss the last bus home.”

Colette jumped up, gathering her items together, and made her way down the stairs. Lilith floated behind her. Her steps were slow; she did not want to leave. Even if she knew she would see Lilith again the next day she wanted to spend the entire night with her. Talking, kissing, and just being near her. Just looking at her.

But she knew she had a lifetime to do that. Even if that lifetime was short, or even if the lifetime of their love only lasted a week, or a year, or forever. She was going to spend it with that beautiful girl, who thought Colette was as amazing and Colette thought she was.

The outside light flickered on as it sensed Colette exit out the door. Lilith still close behind her. Colette put up her umbrella, preparing for the wet travels to the bus stop.

Once last time, Lilith floated up to Colette’s face and left the dust of a kiss on her cheek. Colette warmly returned the gesture.

“Will I see you tomorrow?” Lilith mumbled, her voice warm with kindness.

“Yes, of course,” Colette giggled.

Lilith waved as Colette trudged her way up the dirt road.

As Colette turned around, the light outside the shop turned off, no longer sensing the presence of someone. She knew it was wrong.

Even if the world could not see her love, even if the whole world did not understand her love, she knew her love was in a safe place, next to Lilith’s heart. She knew it was there, she knew it was real, and she knew her love was beautiful. No matter what the world told her, her love was so beautiful, she knew that, and that was all that mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!! <3 :D I hope you have a wonderful day! <3


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